Title: Love & Lists (Chocoholics #1)
Author: Tara Sivec
Release Date: October 1, 2013
Love and Lists is the first book in the Chocolate Lovers spinoff Chocoholics: The foulmouthed offspring tell their stories.
Twenty-five-year-old Gavin Ellis has always had the love and support of his family ever since he was a little boy and couldn’t stop talking about his penis. He’s also always had their unsolicited advice and uncanny knack of embarrassing him at all costs. Now that he’s an adult and trying to convince the love of his life to love him back, things haven’t changed very much from when he was younger.
When Gavin’s best friend Tyler suggests he make a todo list of items that will ensure he wins the girl, Gavin is onehundredpercent on board: after a few six packs.
After puking in the shrubs, a bad experience with Viagra, a SexEd course gone wrong, and a slew of other mishaps courtesy of his family and friends, Gavin is pretty sure this list will be the death of him.
Sometimes, trying to make someone love you with a list isn’t always the best idea. Especially when “Show her your penis” is the first “todo” item…
What you are about to read might go down in True Story history as one of the most epic interviews. Ever. You’ve been warned. 🙂
Brooke: “SHOTS!”
Lisa: “Woah…easy there killer, it’s a little early to be hittin’ the hard stuff, can we wait till Gavin and Charlotte show up?”
Brooke: “Nope…gotta have some liquid courage! Hey bartender, gimme some SoCo and make it snappy!”
Lisa: “Yeah…this is going to go well.”
So…we decided to meet Gavin and Charlotte at Wolfey’s. This may or may not have been a good idea. I guess time will tell.
30 minutes later
Brooke: “I’m going to chase the chinaman!”
Lisa: “Brooke! You did that in Columbus! You cannot do that again, people were traumatized!”
Brooke: “I’m going to get you!!!”
Lisa: “Oh Jesus Lord…”
As Brooke goes sprinting off to god only knows where, I bring my hand up to cover my eyes because maybe if I don’t see it, then it doesn’t exist and that’s when I hear the front door open and an all too familiar voice scream a phrase that only a select few know the true meaning of.
Gavin: “INTERSTATE!!!”
Brooke: “Gavin!!!”
I glance up in time to see Brooke tackle Gavin. I wonder if she is going to get arrested tonight? Well…I think that all depends on if Tyler shows up. I walk over and give Charlotte a hug because who knows when Gavin and Brooke will stop their…I don’t even know what to call it. They have a thing. It happens. Some how Charlotte and I coax Brooke and Gavin to sit down at the table we have in the corner, far, far away from as many people as possible. I can’t lie, we used alcohol to bribe them…and it worked. Don’t judge.
Lisa: “Thank you both so much for meeting us tonight.”
Charlotte: “Of course – we don’t mind at all.”
Brooke: “Well, let’s get the questions out of the way so we can enjoy ourselves. Gavin, do you want to go first?”
Gavin: “Sure.”
Lisa: “Describe what you think life would be like without Tyler…besides quite and less entertaining.”
Gavin: “He bugs the shit out of me, but he’s still a good friend. Life before Tyler involved a lot less alcohol and nudity.”
Brooke: “Well where’s the fun in that? What is your favorite product that Seduction and Snacks makes – give us details, what does it do, do you use it on Charlotte and most importantly, will you give us each one?” J
Gavin: “The Tyler Tickler. Yes, I actually took him up on naming a toy after him. It’s a bullet with ten speeds and it’s clear. Tyler said that was his favorite color. I’m sure he was joking, but I still made sure it was clear. I just used it on Charlotte thirty minutes ago. She passed out on the floor in our bedroom.”
Brooke: “Yeah…I’m going to need one of those.”
Lisa: “Make that two. Moving on! Favorite Memory of Charlotte while you two were growing up?”
Gavin: “Valentine’s Day when I was twelve. She made me a card that said “Happy Valentine’s Day. I don’t hate you. Much.””
Lisa: “Well…that’s progress.”
Brooke: “Yeah, she could have said “I don’t want you to die, today.””
Lisa: “Alright Charlotte, it’s your turn – gay boyfriend or real boyfriend – which one do you prefer? 😉 And looking back, do regret the whole ‘fake boyfriend’ scheme?”
Charlotte: “Well, the gay boyfriend is always fun to shop with, but then again, so is Gavin. We had sex in the dressing room at Macy’s last week. I can’t really regret the whole scheme because it did bring Gavin and I together.”
Brooke: “Wow…which department were you in?”
Lisa: “Really? That’s what you’re going with?”
Brooke: “I’m curious…”
Lisa: “Just ask the next question.”
I say through gritted teeth while chanting ‘I will not kill Brooke…I will not kill Brooke…’ in my head.
Brooke: “But I really wanna know!”
Lisa: “I will buy you a life-size Henry Cavill doll to ask another question.”
The words barely come out of my mouth before Brooke’s eyes widen to epic proportions and a look of sheer glee is plastered all over her face. She immediately turns to Charlotte and says,
Brooke: “So, Charlotte, now that you’re no longer a virgin – what’s your favorite sexual position? What’s the most orgasms Gavin has given you in one day? And what’s your favorite Seduction and Snacks product?” 😉
Charlotte: “Um, all of the above? I’ll take any position as long as it’s with Gavin. Wait, I take that back. Reverse Cowgirl didn’t go very well for us a few weeks ago. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have worn a gun holster with an actual gun that had cap gun bullets in it. Gavin has third degree burns on his thigh now.”
Brooke: “Ouch! Poor Gavin – that deserves a shot!”
Why am I not surprised? So, after a quick toast to Gavin’s burns, I continue.
Lisa: “Favorite Memory of Gavin while you two were growing up?”
Charlotte: “Probably our fights. He always let me win. At least I think he did. I hope I wasn’t just freakishly strong.”
Brooke: “You deserve a shot for being freakishly strong!”
Well, who doesn’t think that’s a great idea?!? After shot number…yeah…we lost count…Brooke and I finally remembered we had more questions!
Brooke: “What are your favorite 5 things about the other? Physical, non-physical…surprise us!”
Gavin: “Charlotte is gorgeous, sweet, funny, kind and great in bed.”
Charlotte: “Gavin is hot, thoughtful, romantic, funny and he’s great at oral sex. When he doesn’t put on Chap Stick.”
Gavin: “Seriously. One time. It happened ONE TIME.”
Charlotte: “Once was enough.”
Lisa: “Or never. Never would be enough for me, I never need to experience that. So…‘The List’…success or failure?”
Gavin: “Absolute success.”
Charlotte: “Are you kidding? Failure! We screwed everything up. And I never did get to go to a sporting event with you and pretend like I knew what was going on.”
Gavin: “Yes you did. We went to that Ohio State basketball game a few weeks ago. You were so cute when you were trying to yell things at the players and asked if they got a goal.”
Charlotte: “Wait. It’s not called a goal in basketball? What the fuck is that net thing for then?”
Gavin: “Oh my…”
Lisa: “Aww…she’s so cute!”
Brooke: “Can we keep her?”
Charlotte crosses her arms in a huff – okay, so we were half being serious, half making fun of her – but she really is cute when she pouts. So what cures pouting?
Brooke, Lisa & Gavin (in unison): “Shots!”
After shot number 84…or something…
Brooke: “Best Sex Advice you’ve received from Drew and Jenny? And did you follow it? And can you give us details?”
Gavin: “Are you kidding? All of their advice sucks. Although, distracting a woman with nuts totally works.”
Charlotte: “No it doesn’t, don’t be a tool.”
Gavin: “Oh, it totally works.”
Charlotte: “You’re an idiot.”
Gavin: “I love you baby. You know what I was just telling Tyler the other day? That you have the softest touch and I swear I see God when you play with my balls.”
Charlotte: “Awwww, really?”
Gavin: “Game, set, match.”
Charlotte: “Son of a bitch.”
I lean over and whisper to Brooke, because I ‘might’ be a little tipsy. Or drunk. Yeah…prolly leaning towards drunk.
Lisa: “Oh my god, did that just happen?”
Brooke: “Yes. Yes it did. And it was amazing.”
Lisa: “So, have your mom’s completely planned your wedding yet? And who is officially wearing the blue dress?”
Gavin: “My mom already sent out “Save the Date” cards. She’s insane.”
Charlotte: “My mom already bought the blue dress.”
Gavin: “Oh shit, she did? Oh this is really bad. My mom bought her blue dress too.”
Charlotte: “How about we just elope?”
Gavin: “I hear Vegas is nice this time of year.”
Lisa: “It’s nice any time of year, Brooke you down for a Vegas wedding?”
Brooke: “Sweet! I’ve never been. Let’s do this!”
And of course to toast their Vegas wedding, we must do shots!
Brooke: “Whose parents are more embarrassing? And what is your ALL TIME most embarrassing moment – if you can’t pick one, we’ll take as many as you want to give us…bring on the goodness!” 😀
Gavin: “Definitely my parents.”
Charlotte: “I don’t know, mine are right up there with yours.”
Gavin: “I think it’s a tie. My parents were high at my high school graduation.”
Charlotte: “That was MY parent’s fault though. They thought your mom and dad were going to have a nervous breakdown and they slipped them some of Uncle Drew’s famous pot cookies.”
Gavin: “When they called my name, my dad stood up and yelled “GAVIN! DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE BALLS?””
Charlotte: “Okay, that was pretty bad.”
Gavin: “And my mom ripped a button off of the woman’s coat sitting next to her and tried to eat it.”
Charlotte: “Okay, you win. You’re parents are definitely more embarrassing.”
I can’t breathe because I am laughing so hard, tears streaming down my face and Brooke fell off her chair right around the ‘Cheese Balls’ portion of the conversation.
Lisa: “Alright, this will be the one and only serious question…where do you see yourselves in 5 years?”
Charlotte: “Married to Gavin and having tons of sex.”
Gavin: “I approve of this statement.”
Shots to tons of sex!
Brooke: “Now let’s have some real fun – word association – what’s the first thing that comes to mind – Spiderman?”
Charlotte: “Web of spooge.”
Lisa: “Flat Tire?”
Gavin: “Saggy boobs”
Brooke: “Chocolate.”
Gavin: “Delicious on boobs.”
Lisa: “Bronie?”
Gavin: “Closet homosexuals.”
Brooke: “Family?”
Charlotte: “Bat shit crazy”
Lisa: “Backseat?”
Both: “Sex”
Brooke catches Charlotte’s eye.
Brooke: “Gavin?”
Charlotte: “Sex”
I look over at Gavin,
Lisa: “Charlotte”
Gavin: “Sex.”
Yeah…that totally deserves a shot. I’m pretty sure they’re going to cut us off soon.
Brooke: “Last one – Love?”
Charlotte: “Sex.”
Gavin: “Or blow jobs.”
After two more shots – of course we all had to do blow job shots after Gavin mentioned blow jobs, those are the rules (duh!), Charlotte mentioned something about the Volvo, which reminded me about the last part of our interview.
Lisa: “Oooh Oooh…okay this is the last part, we promise.”
Brooke: “Yeah, after this we can just drink and chase chinamen!”
Lisa: “Or just drink.”
Brooke: “But he was staring at me!”
Lisa: “No…pretty sure he wasn’t.”
Brooke: “Gavin, back me up! He was staring right?”
Lisa: “I’m just going to pretend you’re not here. Alright, either/or – Volvo or Bed?”
Charlotte: “Bed.”
Brooke: “Good call – I hate Volvo’s, but I’m tall.”
Lisa: “I don’t know what that means. Go Out or Stay In?”
Gavin: “Stay in…side of Charlotte. Ha ha!”
Brooke: “Bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
OMG I think I’ve gone partially deaf from the level of laughter that is coming out of Brooke. And 5 minutes later…she’s still laughing. But so is Gavin. Remember, I told you – they have a thing. This is part of it. I guess.
Lisa: “Mustard or Chocolate Sauce?”
Gavin: “Oh eew. Oh my God, why did you have to say it?! I don’t feel very well.”
Brooke finally pulls it together enough to form a complete thought and decides to join our conversation.
Brooke: “Alright…more pleasant topics – fast or slow?” 😉
Charlotte: “Both.”
Lisa: “Nice! I concur. Hot or Cold?”
Charlotte: “Hot.”
Lisa: “You should come to Texas.”
Brooke: “Books or Movies?”
Gavin: “Books.”
Lisa: “Smart answer! You’re in the presence of two dirty book whores. 😀 Alright…last one – Tyler or Ava?”
Charlotte: “Ava. Tyler needs to be put down.”
Brooke: “True Story!”
And speak of the devil – who should come busting through the door but Tyler. With Ava. 😀 Yay! I can’t give exact details of the rest of the evening but I can confirm that Brooke did not go to jail, but Tyler may have peed in a potted plant in the lobby of our hotel. #ThatJustHappened
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
So, in my opinion, we all should wake up every morning and thank God for authors like Tara Sivec. The woman really is a fucking genius. I mean, come on, who else can brilliantly combine humor and sex into a book and when it ends you’re like, “more…MORE…I WANT MORE.” So yes, thank you Lord (I am praying to the Rico Sauve form of Jesus by the way because he is the SHIT) for Tara. She fills my life with inappropriate humor that I just cannot live without.
I think I can speak for us all when I say that we are chomping on the proverbial bit to get our hands on these books of Tara’s. We can only read so many angsty, love triangle, emotional books (not that that is a bad thing) and when we finally get to tear into an all out feel good, fun, sexy book like this one, it’s like a little mini orgasm. Everyone needs some fun in their lives. Mine just comes in the form of ridiculously funny books delivered at the hands of one of the most amazing writers out there! Funny Smut is what the world needs. Hey, here’s an idea…let’s get all the assholes in Congress to read some Funny Smut and maybe they will get their heads out of their asses! Good idea, right?
Okay, so you know the book is going to absolutely fucking amazing when the first words you read are
Can someone die from a severe case of blue balls?
See, pure brilliance.
In case you didn’t know this is NOT part of the Chocolate Lovers Series. Is it related? Yup! It is a spinoff of it but it is not part of that series.
Do you remember a little four year old demon child named Gavin from the Chocolate Lovers series? Ya know, Claire and Carters son? Well ladies, he’s back. But the once holy-terror-little-boy is now all grown up and is, in my mind, mother fucking SEXY as hell.
Gavin is now 25 and secretly in love with none other than Charlotte…Ya know, Liz and Jim’s daughter that Gavin used to terrorize as a child. How fucking amazing, right? When I found this lovely bit of information out I just KNEW some epic shit was about to happen.
My poor penis want to hump her leg and she just wants to be friends.
Okay, so I need to talk about Tyler. I am so in love with Tyler for the simple fact that he is absolutely, 100%, ridiculously insane and that just makes my heart happy. So besides him being crazy and a little bit strange, Tyler is also a genius. Why, do you ask? Well, Tyler comes up with a list for Gavin to do to make Charlotte fall in love with him.
This infamous list includes things like Take her to the Cheesecake Factory, Show her your penis, Stick your tongue down her throat, and show her your nuts…among some other amazing things!
See, I told you..Genius!! What girl doesn’t want a man to prove his love her for by getting to see the cute little sack of skin holding two baby making round things between his legs. I couldn’t imagine anything more romantic.
”I’m not going to show her my wiener!”
“I really think you should show her your wiener. I’m not taking it off the list.”
So as you can probably imagine…this little plan goes EXTRAORDINARILY FANTASTIC!! HAHA!! Orrrr maybe not…I won’t ruin anything for you.
So let’s wrap up the nitty gritty of what went down in this little piece of awesomeness and how I felt about it. Well the level of hilarity in this book is beyond words. I cant even wrap my brain around it. The only thing I could come up with is this…think like really super fucking funny to where you end up peeing your pants, laughing so hard until you puke, and have so many tears and snot running down your face that you get choked on all that nasty mess and then just pass the fuck out. That pretty much sums it up.
I just sold you on reading it, didn’t I 🙂
Okay, so like I mentioned before…this is a spinoff of The Chocolate Lovers series. You know what that means? Oh yes, my friends…the gang’s all here! Carter, Claire, Jim, Liz, and of course we cant forget Drew and Jenny. So, in case you forgot, some amazing shit happens when Liz and Claire get together.
Things like this…
…”Put down the toilet seat. Ooooh, make her a mix tape! Those are always fun.”
“Nineteen-eighty-five called, they want their idea back.”
“Suck my dick.”
Yes, that’s Claire and Liz for you!
Oh, oh, oh I almost forgot…well there is this scene about chasing a chinaman. All I have to say about that is that this situation might have happened in real life. Not that I would know anything about that at all but, ya know, it could totally happen 😉
I am laughing all over again just getting to re-live what I read in this book. This book was perfect in every sense of the word. It was funny, it was sexy, it was utterly hilarious. Ugh, why can’t there be a stronger word than hilarious? It’s just too mild of a word for Love and Lists.
In my opinion, this is by far, her best work yet when it comes to writing about these horny, chocolatey freaks! I can’t get enough. I will never get enough of these.
Wow, okay, that was longer than I expected. Okay, so overall, FANTASTIC book that I demand you read. Not even kidding.
Time for my favorite part of my review…leaving you with my favorite quote(s):
Now my penis has switched from a majestic, mythical bird to a fire-breathing dragon that wants to destroy the town.” ~Gavin
“I get sress hard-ons sometimes. If The Gap gets really busy and I don’t have time to fold all of my jeans, it can turn into a problem.” ~Tyler
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
*ARC Given to Blog for Honest Review*
4 ‘That just happened’ Kisses
That’s what I’m talking about…
Holy banana’s THIS ladies and gentlemen is what I would like to reverently call an amazing piece of Tara Sivec hilarious genius. Before I get too far ahead of myself…if you have not read the Chocolate Lovers Series (Seduction and Snacks, Futures and Frosting and Troubles and Treats) please do not pass go, do not collect $200 but do by all means, read those books ASAP…as in right now, drop what you are doing because you have to read them. Especially if you love to laugh. Plus…you can’t read Love and Lists until you do!
Gavin Ellis…oh my little Gavin, so hard to not think of him as ‘little’ anymore, cause he’s not. He’s 25 years old and 6’ of yummy…and part of me feels like a creep-o for thinking that because I got to know him as a kid! A hilarious little boy that talked about his penis way too much and made me cry laughing through the Chocolate Lovers Series. But, clearly, I got over that shit real quick. Gavin is the perfect blend of Carter and Claire. Like put those two in a blender, mix it up for a minute or two and there you have it. His dry sense of humor just killed me. I loved his personality, I loved his inner thoughts and I loved his feelings about Charlotte.
‘I don’t even bother explain to him, yet again, that my main purpose in life isn’t to get in Charlotte’s pants. Sure, it’s something I dream about. Well, wet dream about. And the reason for my earlier Google search, but it’s not the ultimate goal. I want her to love me. I want her to see me. I want her to see me as something other than a friend. I want her to realize that we’re soul mates.
Fuck. Maybe I am getting my period. ’
Charlotte Gilmore…once again, the whole not thinking of her as a ‘kid’ anymore comes into play, but I really liked Charlotte! She’s the product of Liz and Jim, what do you expect? But she’s more than that…she’s sweet, she’s innocent and she’s perfect for Gavin. Loved the family dynamics with her sisters and her parents. Also…I wasn’t expecting to go into her POV but I really liked it! She’s so stinkin’ cute and hearing the way she felt about Gavin…and all the stories about them growing up…I’m sorry, it’s just so hard not to say ‘Awwww…’. I really don’t think there is a better girl for Gavin though…especially with what she told him in the epilogue. TOTAL Seductions and Snacks call back and I think I almost died laughing.
‘“Honey, he doesn’t have a feminine side. He has a vagina,” Aunt Liz informs her.’
Gavin and Charlotte together are…fun. I dunno why the whole best friend aspect always gets me, but it does! I’m a sucker for it! And knowing that they have grown up together and have all that past, it just connects them in ways you cannot dispute. Plus you get little tastes here and there from when they were growing up, of them fighting and stuff – so freaking cute! I love that they just kinda get each other…they take the good, the bad and the ugly and they just don’t care because in the end…that’s what make them love the other person that much more. And can I just say the whole ‘list’ concept – could it have gone corny? Sure…of course – did it? Fuck. No. These are not your normal lists…these are brilliant pieces of work that I need framed or something because everything about them for the characters, for the story, for every aspect was just…hilarious genius.
‘Sex and scissors should never mix.’
Of course we know the whole crew from the Chocolate Lovers series (I’ll get to them later)…but this is a new series everybody…new cast and crew. So you know Gavin and Charlotte…who else do we have? Tyler…Gavin’s college roommate/best friend-ish. He gets an ‘ish’ because…well he’s an interesting best friend to say the least. Part friend, part annoyance, part comedic relief – but the best compliment to Gavin ever. Tyler is fuckin funny…he’s like Drew 2.0 or something. Then we have Ava…Charlotte’s polar opposite sister. She is a bitch on wheels, annoying as all get out but strangely enough…I like her while at the same time wanting to slap her. Go figure… We also get a brief glimpse at Molly, Charlotte and Ava’s other sister and then there is the elusive Sophie, Gavin’s sister…we don’t get to see her, but we know she is there.
“I HAVE A MEAT WHISTLE!”
So part of what makes Charlotte and Gavin so amazing is their family dynamics…because they’re basically family. Their parents are best friends, they are best friends, it’s a very tight knit group. There is also the risk there, the ‘what if’ this doesn’t work out…but we won’t think about that right now. Back to the family dynamics which are still…absolutely 100% side-splittingly funny. Like pee your pants, can’t believe your eyes just read that, still laughing about it pages later hysterical. I really don’t know how Tara does it besides her mind is just filled with juicy nuggets of hilarity. I don’t know which scene was my favorite…Brooklyn and the Chinaman (sadly…I know and experienced the inspiration for this scene – the actual events are eerily similar to what happened in the book…just sayin!)…Gavin and the ribbon cutting…Carter and the shroom chocolate…The Spiderman…I mean, where does she come up with this stuff??? I am jealous if this is just naturally what happens in the life of Tara Sivec because Jesus, I’d be on the floor laughing my ass off most of the day.
“PIPE THE FUCK DOWN AND TAKE A COMPLIMENT, YOU WHORE FACE BAG OF DICKS!”
Speaking of laughing my ass off…Carter, Claire, Liz, Jim and OF COURSE most of all…Drew and Jenny were back in FULL effect for my pure enjoyment and sweet mother of God did they deliver. This is the brilliance of series people…you get new characters but the old ones pop up every now and then and boy oh boy does that leave a permanent goofy grin on my face. I forgot how much I missed all of them…I mean, especially Carter and Claire…not that everyone else isn’t fabulous in their own right – but come on! They started it all. And without them, we’d have no Gavin!
‘Gavin is going to start calling my vagina Barkley.’
Loved the ending…HEA-tastic and so very classic for Gavin and Charlotte. And…with that ending…if I was a bettin’ woman…I would bet Tyler and Ava are up next. Okay, I’m not a bettin’ woman, but I will beg and plead for Tyler and Ava cause holy shit balls…there is just something about those two together that excites me. #ThatJustHappened
Tara Sivec is a wife, mom, chauffeur, cheerleading coach, soccer coach, babysitter, shortorder cook, genius and albino squirrel hunter. She lives in Ohio with her husband and two kids. In her spare time she likes read, write and cover things in chocolate. Most of her material comes from real life experiences with family and friends. Lucky for them, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (aka, drunk).
Tara also writes under the pen name T.E. Sivec where she can be serious, suspenseful and not at all funny.
